no dress rehearsal

ten on tuesday

1. What has been taking up time at the Moaklers these days? Why, the Great 227 Hamilton Deck Build 2009. We actually have at least half of the deck built right about now, thanks to all Dean's hard work and my very sad and profanity-filled attempts at using a drill to screw the deck boards down. I will be excited to finally have outdoor space to sit, eat and entertain. Our next step? Why, throwing a big old deck party, of course.

2. I have been so very tired this last few weeks, thanks in part to my long recovery time from the pneumonia I was diagnosed with a while back. The upside has been that I am forced to take more relaxing time for myself; reading, napping and such. Not enough, mind you, but more than normal.

3. Speaking of reading, I have finished the first two of the "Twilight" books. I did enjoy them, they were certainly engaging. I found myself not wanting to put them down until I read on. Yet, I don't love, love them like some have. I think Harry Potter is much better.

4. I got a wee little iPod shuffle when we were in the apple store in Vegas, waiting for Dean to purchase his iPod touch. I was unsure how I would like the decreased control over the play list that the shuffle provides, but it was inexpensive and I wanted something to wear on walks. I carefully selected 250 songs on the weekend and loaded it up. I love it! When put on shuffle, each upcoming song is a surprise. And because it holds such a limited amount of music, it was necessary to pick songs that I really, really love, which means each song is a pleasant surprise at that.

5. I am hoping the new iPod inspires me to get out and walk a bit more, and that will be the first of many positive lifestyle changes to come. Boy, have I been putting on weight, and it needs to stop. Actually, I really need to take off some weight. Though I've been on the more "traditionally built" side  for a while, it need not be, steroids be damned. It's the two biggies I'm not happy about - how clothes fit and how I'm looking in pictures. I have a wedding to attend in early October. I would really like to be looking good in a dress by then, and be ready for any photo opportunities that present themselves.

6. The only reason I'll be happy for weight gain is if I get pregnant, which I'm unhappy to report I am not. The fertility treatment process has been long and frustrating, thanks in part to vacationing doctors and months waiting for a procedure because all appointments are booked up. International adoption is under serious consideration.

7. Hunter has been our dog for more than 4 months now, and seems settled and content. Much tail wagging, licking and begging for food occur daily. We are both enjoying the companionship of a four legged family member again, but I still tear up thinking of Abby at times.

8. It's been a weird weather combination of warm and humid (neither which Newfoundland is known for) that has made the last week or more feel so hot and sticky.  And me + heat = absolutely nothing good. People are shaking their heads and wondering how I survived in New Orleans. It's called air conditioning, which every building and vehicle down south is equipped with and comparatively few are here.

9. I am in desperate need of a pedicure, haircut and eyebrow waxing. Sigh, I've let myself go.

10. Looks like the Moaklers will take New Jersey in the new year. Dean has been given a generous offer from his employer to complete an 18 month Masters in Engineering at Rutger's University, including all school expenses paid plus part of his salary in the form of educational and living allowances to boot. There are many reasons that this is great, many more why I am freaked out about it. Though when the offer was first made, it was for September. The move of the start date to January was God's way of making me less freaked out about it all, it seems. After gearing up to have to move within weeks, having months of preparation seems like a breeze right about now. Ask me again in November...

Good night!

dear elizabeth

Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you for your sweet and thoughtful gift. You cannot imagine my excitement when I opened the carefully wrapped package delivered by my friendly post man today and it contained...

...PEANUT BUTTER & CO CINNAMON RAISIN SWIRL PEANUT BUTTER! No truly, you cannot imagine my excitement (I am the first to admit the amount of excitement I display for this much loved peanut butter, which is impossible to obtain in Newfoundland, may be considered excessive for a grown woman). Sheer joy, indeed. It's the little things that make life enjoyable, such as a favorite peanut butter on warm toast, with the pb melting into the bread just right. Pure comfort.

Your gift arrived at the perfect time, in the middle of a week filled with the struggles of recovering from pneumonia, fertility treatment disappointments, a work week of paperwork woes and building anxiety of a major life change to come. All that took a back burner when I sat with my peanut butter this evening (with a cut up apple and a cup of hot tea, one of my favorite ways to enjoy my treat) and nibbled away. When you haven't had a favorite in a while, there's always a risk it's not what you've built it up to be in its absence. But not this time - it's as good as I remember it.
 
Your gift provided the perfect reminder that geography doesn't dictate friendship, and even though friends and family may be far away in the physical sense, they can always be kept close in the heart. And on the cusp of another pending move, with lives soon to be disrupted and roots pulled and replanted, it's the very reminder that I needed. I hope that you and your family know the same in your hearts, and that the soil of Wyoming proves fertile and nourishing as you replant the Dillow roots.

mom's garden

First, I realize after weeks and months of blog neglect, I am posting a record two, possibly three, times today. Plus I've semi-caught up on my project 365 photos. I have pneumonia, which has me plenty of time to put my feet up, relax and catch up on such things as blogging and television watching. Now, back to my mom and her garden.

I have inherited many qualities from my mother. We don't necessarily look alike, but there are times when I say or do something and I swear it's not me, but my mom whose voice I hear or actions I see. Dean claims he knows exactly who I'll be as I age by observing my mom (luckily, they get along well). Unfortunately, one of the qualities I have not gotten from my mom is her green thumb. She is a great gardener, I am proud when I keep a couple of potted herbs alive in my windowsill for more than a month.

Mom's garden has a pond with fish and lots of flowers and trees that span the front, side and back yard space. It's not too formal or contrived, but with much more of a wild, country garden feel, which suits both my mom and her yard's landscape. Here's just a bit of what is blooming now. A little orange flower, whose name escapes me right now. Purple lupins, scattered throughout the yard. Gorgeous pale pink peonies, with dark pink trim on some of the petals. Peonies are some of my very favorite flowers. Little vines of deadly nightshade, which is quite pretty despite it's name. The deadly nightshade and the metal bird archway (or perhaps it's called a trellis? You know, one of those things you walk through...not only am I not a gardener, I cannot even name common garden objects). A little clump of maltese cross flowers in a gorgeous deep orange. Purple iris around the fish pond, which is nestled in the front of the garden. Such bright, vibrant pink flowers, another name that escapes me right now (and also escaped my mom when we walked through the garden, as I recall). I love this snow in summer because of it's slivery colored leaves. This unusual flower is so much prettier when you slow down and take the time to look at it close-up, much like many other parts of life, I think. And look at these little forget-me-nots, so tiny yet so very perfect. Such a lovely garden, and mom really enjoys working it in. Many a summer evening, she gathers the two dogs and heads out with her tools, weeding and planting until the sun goes down.

viva las vegas...

What can I say? After the trip we took to Vegas last year, I really had no desire to go back. But we had  flight credits that needed to be used by late July. When an offer from the Harrah's Players Rewards people quoted a total cost of 49 dollars for 5 nights hotel (in total, not per night) in a brochure that arrived in our mail at just the right time, a cheap vacation destination was born. We went for it.

It was really nice, vacationing with Dean and just Dean. It's the first trip in ages that we have taken together that hasn't included us visiting or traveling with others, and we really needed that time to relax together.

Harrah's was a great deal for the price, and it was right on the strip - so easy to get around. Not fancy compared to many of the hotels in Las Vegas, but for about 10 dollars a night, it was perfect.

We packed a lot into 5 days. My favorite was the Cirque de Soleil show "The Beatles Love". Dean had bought me tickets for my birthday, and I absolutely loved it. The entrance to the theater was through this really fun rainbow lit walkway, and was a perfect hint of the visual effects to come. We spent a night on Fremont Street, the old Vegas strip. It's been restored in recent years, with a huge canopy over the street where a light show is delivered to music every half hour. Very pretty. Dean played some blackjack at the old Golden Nugget casino, while I wandered and played what turned out to be my favorite slot machine game of the trip, the game of life. Other than the fact that it was hot, hot, hot, it was a lot of fun. This photo was taken well after midnight. Hot enough for Canadians to practically melt, I tell you.

We also outlet shopped, fancy shopped, got massages, saw "The Lion King", ate at great restaurants and visited many of the casinos on the strip, which are sights in themselves.

But mostly, we got to spend a few uninterrupted days together to relax and leave the stresses of everyday life behind, and that made the vacation perfect.

what a difference a day makes

Life has been busy. Overwhelmingly so, in fact. In addition to the continued house renovations (house, will thee ever be renovated?) there's been travel, cakes, regular day to day care of home & family, and occupational therapy work. My workplace is down by three therapists who we have not been able to replace, and my part time gig had been growing into a full time, 5 day a week venture as a result.

During a recent trip, Dean and I ended up evaluating how our life is going. Trips away from home always result in a new perspective for me, how about you? That little bit of distance gives me an opportunity to see things in a whole new light, an ability to step back to see the broader picture that is often missed in the day to day of living life.

When I am doing too much, I sort of feel like I'm running to stand still - rushing around trying to check things off my list and getting nothing accomplished in the frantic process, taking nothing away from the experience but a stressful, nagging feeling that I'm somehow failing at home and at work.

The first step has been to take Friday off from work, declaring it as a "home chore" day. Monday to Thursday has me getting everything done I can at work. When Friday comes, my day is spent tidying the house, doing laundry and grocery shopping - everything that used to take up the weekend. This is my first week on such a schedule. It is truly amazing what a difference a day makes. How nice it felt this morning to know a long list of chores wasn't waiting for me when arising. Today I have time to relax a little, perhaps hang a few pictures or do other final renovation touches that are more like fun and less like work.

I realize that I am extremely fortunate to have the means to be able to work one day less and take the time to focus on getting that unpaid, often under appreciated work done. Many are forced by economic circumstances to do it all - working outside the home full time or more, then rushing back home to take care of husbands, kids, pets, the house. Some take on the "super mom" role and do it all by choice, and many are able to get it done all while well coiffed with style to spare. Society seems to reward those who take it on, manage the stress, do more, more, more.

Me? Well, I think I'll choose not to manage the stress, but minimize it. Take on a little less to have a little more - more time to spare, more breathing room. Approach each task in a peaceful, mindful way. Live life with less hustle, and more grace. Perhaps it is not society's way, but it seems to be what will work for my family.

a handmade gift from me

Sweet Katy posted "pay it forward" yesterday, stating that she will hand make and send a gift to the first five people to comment on that post on her blog, as long as they agreed they would also send handmade presents to the first five who commented on a similar post on their own blog. I signed right up. I love a) getting "snail mail" and b) hand making presents.

So, here goes.

The first five people to leave a comment about this post will get a handmade gift from me. As in Katy's explanation, I'll state that you will get it sometime in 2009 (I also need that wiggle room, Katy). You may all get something similar, or 5 totally different things, I'm not sure yet. As Katy also mentioned, it will be something "real life" as opposed to "cyber". I will happily mail the gift anywhere, though I'll also hand deliver it if you live nearby.

I'm not going to require that you participate on your own blog to be one of my five, because I know that a nice hand made present may brighten days for some who can't make the commitment to make 5 more in return (this means that you too may sign up Katy :) Sometimes it's nice to pay it backwards as well as forwards). Though if you'd like to "pay it forward", that would also be lovely.

I'm excited about this! I have some ideas already of what I would like to make to share: now to choose...

meet hunter

Dean and I have been thinking about adding another dog to our family since our sweet Abby died in October. Not that a new dog could ever replace her, but we thought a pup in the family would be a welcome addition. There's nothing better than a wagging tail to greet you when you arrive home from work. I frequently looked on the spca website, along with other animal rescue organizations, searching through countless pictures. Every dog had a cute face and a sad story, but none of them struck me as a dog we wanted to make part of our family like this guy. We called about him one day, met him the next, and took him home that very evening.

Hunter is an 8 - 9 year old black lab, with gray "old man" whiskers on his face and paws. He had such an expressive face in his spca picture, very soulful eyes. His profile read like a doggie personal ad - "Hunter loves car rides, long walks and liver snaps" - I just loved that. We also knew that, being an older dog, Hunter would have a much harder time finding a forever home to live out his retirement years. We just felt in our hearts that he was the dog for us.

I can't say enough about the staff and volunteers of the spca. We dealt with Cheryl during Hunter's adoption, and she was great. She so obviously cares for the animals at the shelter, and even called us a couple of days after we brought Hunter home to check on how he was doing. Cheryl gave us a little background on the old boy - his owners surrendered him to the shelter because of a serious illness in their family.

Hunter resided around the bay before coming to our home, so Cheryl affectionately called him a "bay dog". Based on some of his behaviors, it seems that he did live in a small community. He scratches at our front door at times. At first, we thought he wanted to go "pee-pees" and would let him out in our fenced back yard or for a walk on a leash. But he would come right back in and scratch again. We suspect he was probably allowed to wander out and about in his old neighborhood, a la the littlest hobo. He had never been to the vet in his  life, ate a lot of table food  and will catch long, thin stick shaped toys but not balls.

I think that Hunter is adjusting to being a city dog quite well. He was relaxing and snoozing a lot the first few days he came home, but quickly livened up. He's a great dog - we've only heard him bark once in the two weeks we've had him, and his tail wags furiously the minute you say his name. He has been to the dog park, to Bowring Park and around the neighborhood for walks on a leash, played fetch in our backyard, went for numerous car rides and taken trips to my mom's to play with her dogs. He has made his first trip to the vet ever, and did great. Although Hunter sits and gives his paw when you have food, he doesn't reliably follow commands so next Wednesday, we're going to try to prove that you can teach an old dog new tricks, when we start basic obedience school. Honestly, I'd just like Hunter to be able to sit and stay, so I can get his photo wearing hats.

Here he is, playing fetch with Dean in the backyard.

And here he is, waiting for the next throw. He is such a sweet dog, and everyone who has met him so far is charmed by him. Finally, here he is, drifting off to sleep after a day of play.

Adopting an older dog has been such a good choice for us. Hunter is already over the chewing and house training puppy stage. He is fun, playful, and loves attention. But he is also content to curl up and nap when it's time to relax. In some ways, it also feels like a bit of a tribute to Abby have adopted an older dog. Abs was with us for 10 years, right from her crazy puppy stage. At 8 or 9, we know that it's highly unlikely that Hunter will be with us that long, but we hope that we can provide him with a loving and happy home for the duration of his doggie life.

I've never been so grateful to have dean working at the office today...

...because when I heard about this, I knew he was safe, and I wasn't one of the families left wondering if their loved one is going to be found.

Dean has been working in Newfoundland for almost two years now and, although he doesn't go offshore as much as he did when we were down south, I've dropped him off at the Cougar heliport to fly to one of the offshore oil rigs many a time. In fact, the Cougar helicopter fleet only consists of 4 choppers. Chances are Dean has flown on the very one that experienced some sort of mechanical failure and ditched into the Atlantic Ocean 65 kms off of the Newfoundland coastline this morning, with one man found alive, one dead and 16 still missing. In fact, some of the crew Dean works with, including our very good friend Schroeder, flew in from a rig on a Cougar helicopter a day or two ago.

Lots of unanswered questions about what happened, ones that will be resolved in good time. But for now, I'll focus on hoping and praying for the 18 people who were flying out on that helicopter, just heading to work to provide a good life for themselves and their families.

I do know how very lucky I felt this evening when I walked in our front door and saw Dean sitting at the kitchen table, with a realization that if he was scheduled for a rig visit today, I may have been coming home to an empty house.

A very sad day for Newfoundland.

project 365 is back on track...

...although now it's more along the lines of project 324, because I've missed so many days over the past few weeks.

In the days and weeks following the miscarriage, Dean and I took more quiet time than normal. Time at home just chatting, or watching television.Pajama days and napping on the couch. Hot baths, magazine reading and early bedtimes. Ignoring the renovation "to do" list and putting work life on the back burner.

Valentine's evening, we stayed in rather than heading out into the restaurant crowds, and were in bed early. But by 2 am, we both realized neither of us could sleep. So we got up, snuggled up with blankets on a sofa each, nibbled on the snacks Dean ventured out to get and watched all the Tivo'ed episodes of "24" and "Fringe" we had missed. Looking at Dean then, I realized more than ever that I'd rather be married to him and never have a child, than be married to anyone else and have a brood of kids.

This time was what we needed. It was the beginning of us working through the fact that I was losing the baby, that our hope of becoming parents was not going to be realized just yet. But also a time when I gained a lot of perspective, and was reminded of everything I have around me that I am grateful for.

This past week, I got back to a normal routine - working more regularly than I had been, dinners out with our friend Schroeder and his wife Devin, "Slumdog Millionaire" at the movie theater with my friend Nance, a dinner party at my friend and co-worker Jen's house, hosting a family BBQ this evening. It feels good to be back to, well, life. Though I will admit,  an occasional pajama day is still more than welcome...

hope

It's been an emotional few weeks in the moakler household. Everything had been put aside while all our energies were focused on a singular goal (including blogging and project 365, regretfully). A goal which, I'm sad to say, we will not be reaching quite as soon as we expected.

I have been trying to get pregnant for quite a while. I stopped taking the pill about 5 years ago, and after the recommended few months of using alternate birth control while all hormones exited the system, all was a go. Dean and I have been either "throwing caution to the wind and seeing what will happen" or "trying" ever since (and anyone who has ever struggled to conceive knows how very different those two stages actually are). My family doctor referred me to a fertility specialist a while back and, after close to 9 months of waiting, I finally saw Dr. O'Grady in November. The first step she recommended was that I undergo a dye test, which checks for any fallopian tube blockages. This procedure needs to be performed at a particular stage of the monthly cycle but, when the right time came around for me in late November, Dr. O'Grady was away on a conference, and I could not be scheduled. December came, and so did pneumonia, antibiotics and the busy holidays. Coupled with the fact that the right time for testing was Christmas week, we just decided to wait until January to begin our journey to parenthood.

Fast forward to January. I am patiently waiting for the right time to schedule this test, when I notice I am a little late. Imagine my utter shock when, after December's pneumonia and holiday madness, neither which encourage the one essential ingredient of natural conception - sex -  I am pregnant. Dean and I were overjoyed.

Pre-natal care came fast and furious, especially considering I am a bit higher risk due to my sarcoidosis diagnosis and subsequent steroid usage. At my first ultrasound, things looked good. It was amazing that, at just 6 weeks, you could see a strong, steady little heartbeat on the screen. Dean was in awe. The baby was measuring at 6 weeks 1 day, a little small as my dates put me at closer to 7 weeks along. But I was also the first to admit December was a crazy month and, because we had given up "trying", I wasn't writing everything down. Dr. O'Grady decided I should return the next week for a second ultrasound to check on the baby's progress.

Unfortunately, the next week's ultrasound brought some sad news. The baby had not grown at all, and the heartbeat, though still there, was faint and slow. I was not going to keep this pregnancy. I had the option of taking medication then, to clear out the uterus, but didn't. Although I knew the pregnancy was not going to result in a baby, I still felt uncomfortable taking medication to essentially induce miscarriage when I knew a little heart was still beating. The next day, I ended up beginning to bleed rather heavily on my own. I was surprised how physically painful it was, and spent most of the weekend in a hot bath or laying around with a heating pad.

Dean and I are sad. But we are trying to take Dr. O'Grady's advice to us, which is focus on the positive in this all - we actually conceived a child together. With piles of negative pregnancy tests in our past and month after month of disappointments, you begin to wonder if a child is possible for you, and we've shown that it is. We are trying not to be stressed, because stress is not going to help us move forward.

This little baby taught us a lot in the month we thought that he or she was going to join our family. When you are trying so long to get pregnant, I think your focus is all about conception, conception, conception. This baby helped me move past that, and begin to focus pregnancy and parenthood - both the practical, like organizing the house for baby's room and planning for maternity leave, and the more philosophical, like thinking about what sort of mom I want to be and what we can offer a child in our home.

I do believe that if we are meant to be parents, it will be. Perhaps it may not on happen on the time line that we planned for, but I have hope that it will happen someday soon.