hope

It's been an emotional few weeks in the moakler household. Everything had been put aside while all our energies were focused on a singular goal (including blogging and project 365, regretfully). A goal which, I'm sad to say, we will not be reaching quite as soon as we expected.

I have been trying to get pregnant for quite a while. I stopped taking the pill about 5 years ago, and after the recommended few months of using alternate birth control while all hormones exited the system, all was a go. Dean and I have been either "throwing caution to the wind and seeing what will happen" or "trying" ever since (and anyone who has ever struggled to conceive knows how very different those two stages actually are). My family doctor referred me to a fertility specialist a while back and, after close to 9 months of waiting, I finally saw Dr. O'Grady in November. The first step she recommended was that I undergo a dye test, which checks for any fallopian tube blockages. This procedure needs to be performed at a particular stage of the monthly cycle but, when the right time came around for me in late November, Dr. O'Grady was away on a conference, and I could not be scheduled. December came, and so did pneumonia, antibiotics and the busy holidays. Coupled with the fact that the right time for testing was Christmas week, we just decided to wait until January to begin our journey to parenthood.

Fast forward to January. I am patiently waiting for the right time to schedule this test, when I notice I am a little late. Imagine my utter shock when, after December's pneumonia and holiday madness, neither which encourage the one essential ingredient of natural conception - sex -  I am pregnant. Dean and I were overjoyed.

Pre-natal care came fast and furious, especially considering I am a bit higher risk due to my sarcoidosis diagnosis and subsequent steroid usage. At my first ultrasound, things looked good. It was amazing that, at just 6 weeks, you could see a strong, steady little heartbeat on the screen. Dean was in awe. The baby was measuring at 6 weeks 1 day, a little small as my dates put me at closer to 7 weeks along. But I was also the first to admit December was a crazy month and, because we had given up "trying", I wasn't writing everything down. Dr. O'Grady decided I should return the next week for a second ultrasound to check on the baby's progress.

Unfortunately, the next week's ultrasound brought some sad news. The baby had not grown at all, and the heartbeat, though still there, was faint and slow. I was not going to keep this pregnancy. I had the option of taking medication then, to clear out the uterus, but didn't. Although I knew the pregnancy was not going to result in a baby, I still felt uncomfortable taking medication to essentially induce miscarriage when I knew a little heart was still beating. The next day, I ended up beginning to bleed rather heavily on my own. I was surprised how physically painful it was, and spent most of the weekend in a hot bath or laying around with a heating pad.

Dean and I are sad. But we are trying to take Dr. O'Grady's advice to us, which is focus on the positive in this all - we actually conceived a child together. With piles of negative pregnancy tests in our past and month after month of disappointments, you begin to wonder if a child is possible for you, and we've shown that it is. We are trying not to be stressed, because stress is not going to help us move forward.

This little baby taught us a lot in the month we thought that he or she was going to join our family. When you are trying so long to get pregnant, I think your focus is all about conception, conception, conception. This baby helped me move past that, and begin to focus pregnancy and parenthood - both the practical, like organizing the house for baby's room and planning for maternity leave, and the more philosophical, like thinking about what sort of mom I want to be and what we can offer a child in our home.

I do believe that if we are meant to be parents, it will be. Perhaps it may not on happen on the time line that we planned for, but I have hope that it will happen someday soon.

Comments

[Katy]

oh Tanya...
My heart is with you.
My prayers are with.
I wish I could give you a hug.

[elizabeth]

Oh, Tanya. I'm so sorry. Exactly what Katy said. We love you!

[Mary Jo]

Tanya - I've been there. I really have. The exact same situation and now have Erin and Evan. Although little Erin came after I had emotionally and physically given up. So I know there is always hope. And I am thinking of you both and feeling for you so much right now.

[*mindi*]

I'm so so sorry, Tanya. Wishing good things for your family. :)

[Brenda]

Hi Tanya
You made me cry and smile all in the matter of the few minutes it took to read this blog. I am so sad for you. I feel your pain with the difficulty with conception. We stared ferility treatments a couple of months back. I really enjoy seeing a fertility specialist a few times per week as needed for ultrasounds to track the course of the eggs. It's kind of cool. And it takes the guess work out of things which is kind of nice.
Allow yourself to be sad. I think you are also doing the right thing in listening to the doctor and being positive about having been successful with conception after a long haul. I wish you all the luck in the world my friend. You guys will make such AWESOME parents!! And the time will come for you!! Hang in there.
Love Bren
xo

[marie]

I'm so sorry Tanya. My thoughts are with you and your husband.

[jill]

Wishing you comfort and peace, Tanya...so sorry!

[MoDLin]

Tanya, I'm so sorry. I wish you happier days ahead.

The March of Dimes has created a bereavement kit for parents who have suffered a loss. You can read about this free material at this link: http://www.marchofdimes.com/pnhec/572.asp. If it looks like it might be helpful, let me know and I'll mail one to you.

[nadine]

Oh sweetie I'm so sorry. You and Dean are meant to be parents, I just know it! You've got mad cake decorating skills and a baby waiting to have tons of birthday cakes made by their momma. ;) It'll happen!

[Susie]

Just stoppin' by to tell you I'm thinking about you guys!

[Bethany]

I'm so very sorry to hear about your loss...reminds me so much of my own story 2 years ago.

I hope that one day very you will be able to conceive and carry a baby to term, happy and healthy, and I pray it will happen for you soon!